Diving Into Shallow Water

Do you ever get the feeling that there is someone in your life, at this very moment, who is just waiting for you to talk to them and they just don't know it? And you see them every week and just want to run up and tell them all the things you've been holding back because you were afraid they'd reject you?

Call it teenage melodrama, but it's been a very palpable hindrance my entire life. In short, my life has been filled with hundreds of people I could never get the courage to approach and as a result, I've surrounded myself with what most would only consider close acquaintances; we never really connect at a meaningful level, and it's easy for me to distance myself from them emotionally. Though we do get along because of our desire to avoid conflict and our conversations range from random to fun, I still feel...empty. 

I feel like there isn't someone out there I can share my inner self with, the self that no one has ever seen. 

It's uncomfortable, it's real. It's not something I'd flaunt to the world, so I hide it by being loud. A lot of people perceive that as obnoxious. Other times, I can be quiet and avoid eye contact; most people perceive that as unfriendly or standoffish. Yet the truth is both behaviors represent a facade I put up in order to hide the fear that someone will see my anxiety. It's not that they may notice my vulnerability that scares me the most - it's that they'll notice it and not accept me for who I truly am.

And that is a very human feeling.

We're social creatures; we walk on two legs, can communicate through language, and have an intense need to connect with others (human or nonhuman). That's why those erotic paperbacks with Fabio and Anastasia on the front cover are still so damn popular. (Well, at least partially why.) We crave for intimacy, since to live without it would be nothing short of a condemnation into one hellish existence.

We need someone to love who will love us back. And that can only happen through not just cooperation and respect, but through trust. 

You have to trust that you can share your opinion with me and not just agree with everything I say. You have to trust that I won't falsify our friendship by comparing you to other people I admire. You have to trust that I have my own ideas, thoughts, and opinions, and sharing them with you requires that you don't ignore them just to make a relationship happy. Because in all honesty, I'd rather have a meaningful conversation with you than one that only consists of "yeah, that's nice" or "yeah, you're right" every time I share a part of myself with you. I need you to let me know that you understand. And if you don't understand, please, tell me what you think.

Because honestly?

I don't need you to lie to me just to make sure I appear happy.