We were folding laundry in the living room, and I only remember that because a) discussions over religion while b) pairing socks and tucking in sweater sleeves is never a good recipe for the ideal mother-daughter bonding moment, especially in my family. And particularly about part a).
If there's one thing to be understood about my family, it's that we are obedient Catholics. It's unthinkable to even consider not getting Confirmed, let alone depart from the Church. And it's not just rooted in my ethnicity; aside from attending mass every Sunday, we pray all the time: during meals, in the car, with a rosary. Prayer just happened to be a routine part of our day.
But at that point in my life, I realized that the words I was reciting, the continual murmuring in a sort of robotic, pious harmony, the hidden meaning behind the actual gestures people were making towards one another - we were treating everything like an obligation. Everything. Or maybe it was just me; maybe I simply felt an obligation to be compliant because that defined me as a "good Catholic." And while some may pass this off as commitment, and a necessary sacrifice in sustaining one's faith, I viewed it as a dishonesty. I was living out a falsehood.
It feels false to say "Ahem" when I hear the leaders of our church adamantly condemn gay marriage. To take the word of the Gospel and use it to mask their own interests. And I understand, it's only natural that one would find flaws in any institution. We're only human. There's nothing fair about judging an entire establishment based on the actions of the few; I am sure there are plenty of Catholics who live respectfully, and who rightfully deserve to believe without the corruption of those who take advantage of their faith. The right thing to do would be to love the teachings of the Church, despite the social conflicts that arise within it.
However, I'm beginning to look around at my community and have come to the conclusion that this is not the right place for me. I don't believe. I can't be as intolerant as those around me. And even the priests who show genuine character, who are 99% of the time a living, breathing definition of integrity - when I listen to them speak of Catholicism, I don't believe.
While I may be an alter server, while I may be a lector, while I may be viewed as a role model...I don't deserve any of those titles. Because I recognize that I don't regard the Liturgy of the Word in the light that a follower would, and religion isn't the right path for me.
My mother is one of the kindest people I know. She tries her darned hardest to be a positive influence in our lives, even if it's at the expense of her own happiness. So when I paired the last two socks in the hamper and opened my mouth to tell her how I felt, I anticipated for her to ignore me. To tell me blatantly, "Let's not talk about it," and go on pretending that I wasn't a teenage who had normal doubts and needed some honest guidance.
What I didn't expect was for her to do just that. "Let's not talk about it." Let's just sweep any uncomfortable problems under the rug and not acknowledge them, not even try to understand them. It surprised me when it shouldn't have. There exists this expectation for me to apply her own behavior to my life, to be less outspoken and more submissive, and that's not something I could possibly pursue. I've long suspected my discomfort to be a result of trying to balance two very distinct, different cultures in a country that is becoming more and more tolerant of an expanding and diverse population. I just never thought I'd have to choose between one or the other when it becomes difficult to have both.
I love my parents. They have done so much for me. They have supported me during times when I thought they would just turn away. And while we may have disagreements over many aspects of life, not to mention possess completely opposite beliefs on a number of them, they have always looked out for me and raised me with their own personal faith in my worth (though a lot of the time, it's not glaringly outright or direct).
And I will freely admit, I don't understand my skepticism just as much as I don't understand my faith. I don't completely believe in either; if I were to allow my confusion to get the better of me and just not take a stance on either, I guess that would - by some definition - make me an atheist. But I acknowledge that I'm still young. I'm still trying to settle things out, especially my views on spirituality. Nothing is for certain and nothing will be for a long time, so my decision thus far has been to not openly question what I was raised on.
But to submit to external expectations and not develop the knowledge to make a deeper choice...wouldn't that be a strike against my freedom? Against my right to religion, in a country that has managed to maintain a set of certain human rights that each and every one of us has the power to exercise? And doesn't that right also apply to those who don't align themselves with any religion at all?
I have trust issues. I really do. And it has never been more apparent than now, during a time in my life when I need someone to trust. It's an issue that has caused my relationships in the past to suffer; to better myself as a human being would require opening myself to other ideas, other voices, and other opinions. And from that, I can shape a well-rounded view of the world. Instead of holding onto the conviction that I know everything in the world, I can learn the true meaning of balance and not devote myself entirely to any one attitude. They call that open-mindedness, and it's a hard place to get to.
Yes, I am still young. I have a lot to learn about the world. I have no real sense of the word commitment. I still have time to give second chances, third chances, infinite chances to those little nuances of life I write off as "incompatible" or "irreconcilable" to me or how I live. Which is why, as of now, I don't think I'm ready to rival any belief I don't have a full grasp of. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe religion is what I really need, and while I currently can't comprehend what is being preached, the understanding I currently lack may reveal itself later in life. There's no room for me to rule out any possibilities.
Needless to say, aiming to become someone who doesn't ardently condemn either of the opposing beliefs, but can respect and see value in both, appears to be the soundest option to settle on.
No comments :
Post a Comment