Dealing With Uncertainty

My days are usually divided into two categories: the exceedingly happy ones (to the point where I experience euphoria, or something resembling a sort of high) and the exceedingly bad ones (plagued by discomfort, shame, and regret). I first began to recognize this with a life formula that really defined my previous mindset: as long as I woke up in the morning with extremely low expectations for the day, my behavior would be tamed and relatively stable.

However, that prevented me from ever being excited or happy about any kind of future event. Because with too high expectations, I reasoned with myself, there could only follow disappointment.

Of course, this kind of mentality comes with its problems. Life is all about balancing. Throwing a fit every time you're faced with disappointment? Not healthy. Letting uncontrolled anger rage on at others without thinking of the consequences? Not healthy. Repressing our feelings and hiding behind a smile all the time? Even that's not healthy. Yet I had (and still have) such a hard time coming to an in-between state, in which I just become accepting.

Every break, whether it's a three-month or two-week vacation, I propose to myself a plan to change myself. To be more friendly, open, less reserved, more active. But the more I focus on these extroverted qualities (that I totally deem myself fully capable of), the less I focus on my introverted nature, which has always had the dominant hand in my behavior. It hasn't fixed any of the imbalances I've recognized at the beginning, because in itself, it is an imbalance. 

As this school year progresses, I realize that I'm drifting further and further away from the stability I fight so hard to obtain. It's never within reach. I'm either too happy or too depressed to even speak to anyone both ways. And it's hard, coming to the conclusion that I can't be independent in resolving these issues.

But life isn't about pushing people away from your problems. Hell, no one knows with certainty what life is about, but I know it can't be centered around destroying relationships out of fear of ourselves.

It's about (or at least involves) trusting others enough to share with them your feelings. It's about honesty and genuineness and forming bonds, facing adversity and making friends. Making enemies. Dealing with that. Dealing with everyday living.

I don't know. At this point, I'm just rambling off. There is no coherent argument I'm trying to make. I'm just purging all these pent-up feelings I've been struggling to deal with for a while now. Maybe I just need someone to talk to. Maybe I don't know how to do it, but need some way to release my inner anguish, so turn to the Internet as some sort of therapy.

Is that a sad thing to have to admit? Depending on the Internet for comfort?

Should I capitalize the "with" in the title of the post? Does it even matter?

Where am I going with this?

I just don't know anymore.