As the title suggests, this post will be about today; more specifically, how I'm feeling today. My therapist or counselor or whatever the hell you want to call her would say that I don't acknowledge myself as much as I should - "validate" was the term she used. So today, on the seventh day in the seventh month in the year, I will be complete honest.
Which basically translates into: I will not edit or mess with this post in any way whatsoever because what's said is said, end of story. I used to think that the Internet was this perfect, interactive world where you can let the "real" and "human" side of you take a break. Whatever crude version of yourself exists outside of our virtual reality could be anonymous for a moment, and I took that opportunity to spend hours upon hours crafting this seemingly perfect version of myself.
But how the hell is that going to ever help me out in life? It's just a reason to indulge in whatever fantastical ideas you have about yourself. Then, it pretty much takes over your life.
Okay. So, honesty, I say? Honesty it must be.
It's time to get to know myself.
Truth #1: You hate yourself. You absolutely abhor the very idea of yourself because you won't accept your flaws and move on.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but there's only one you, and you're the only you you'll ever have in this lifetime. There's no possible way to detach yourself from the body you were born with, and the only two choices you have if you want to survive the rest of the year (let alone the rest of your life) is to either a) accept your flaws, or b) change them.
And that's going to take a lot of courage and strength and acknowledgment of some really shitty things that go on in life. You may have to deal with discouragement or rude people or times when you just want to punch the shit out of your pillow, but it'll be worth it.
Because, Truth #2: Life if worth it. You have the opportunity to create an attitude that will make even the small, little things spectacular. I don't mean to sound like some pretentious motivational speaker hoping to sell millions of equally infuriating self-help books, but I roughly quote Mary Engelbreit when I say, "If you can't change what you don't like, change the way you think about it."
You may not like talking to people, or reading boring old textbooks about dead people, or realizing that you epically failed at something after putting a fuckload of effort into it, but what makes all of these things horrible? Truly, it's how we look at each of them. It's the expectations and judgments we make, it's the way we look at them.
So really, what if you mess up a conversation with someone you're getting to know? Part of life. All the great relationship stuff that follow will make up for it (and possibly shame your initial mess-up with even more awkward fun).
And the boring textbook situation? How's the only way you get stuck in a state of boredom? BY NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT! Work doesn't have to be work unless you make it feel like work! It can be lots of fun, just like awkwardness with other people!
And the whole phobia over failure thing - I know people like to look at you as some breed of perfectionism, but the whole overachiever image needs to lie low for a little bit. You're fiercely competitive - which I like - but stop setting such high standards for yourself. It's okay to fail. Failure shouldn't have such a bad connotation attached to it; how else are we gonna learn not to do this or that? The consequences of mistakes is what allows us to grow and became the better human beings we all strive to become.
Truth #3: You compare yourself to other people. Whether it's over physical appearance or humor or wit or intelligence, you're constantly finding reasons to criticize yourself. I don't know how to help you with that, because it's a problem we're in the mist of, but I do have advice that may prove valuable.
Look in the mirror every morning, and without flinching or being too critical, discover 5 things you like about yourself. Just 5. And remind yourself of those brilliant characteristics whenever you unexpectedly find yourself in a deep pit of darkness.
You have to acknowledge that while you may have your faults, as bad as they are in your eyes, you also have some talents, and it would be a cardinal sin if you denied those parts of yourself.
It'll be hard; you're going through an identity crisis (Truth #4), what do you expect? But I want to let you know something that you never tell yourself often enough.
Truth #5: You're beautiful.
Truth #6: You're a good person who's made bad mistakes.
Truth #7: You're a Coldplay fan, in love with India, have constant crushes on people, and LOVE eating healthy even though you hate it as well because you think people will assume you're some sort of a food snob with no life.
Truth #8: You hide during the times when you're at your best.
Truth #9: You have nothing to hide.
Don't edit this, please. I know your fingers are itching to scroll back up and fix whatever typos there are, and I'm sorry you can't handle those tiny imperfections, but isn't life full of flaws?
What would we all be without the worst of ourselves?
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Update: 2 minutes later
Okay, so I used spell check for, like, 2 seconds. SUE ME! I just needed to fix two words I completely destroyed in the English language.
But I am getting better, right? :)
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